Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired
This was written before my excision surgery. This was life before excision.
Really, I’m so over this. I’m tired of waking up in pain or nauseous or so entirely exhausted that it’s all I can do to get out of bed to go to the bathroom.
I try to push through daily and most days I do. I breathe and put on a happy face. I go into work and start my day pretending like everything is alright. It’s not. I feel awful and just want to go back to bed. If I called into work every time I didn’t feel good then I’d never go to work.
I was listening to Jason Gray and his acoustic Storytime album. If you haven’t heard him, you definitely need to check him out. He’s just real. There’s real feelings in the songs he writes and sings. He was talking about his speech impediment and how he was sure that God would have to heal him before he could be in front of crowds. He uses this beautiful line “God doesn’t use us despite our weaknesses but because of our weaknesses” He still has a speech impediment and God still uses him to get these amazing messages out.
It got me thinking. I hate being sick and if I were in charge (thank God I’m not!) I would heal myself immediately so I could continue to do all the things I want to. I’m not in charge though and God’s plan is not that I’m instantly healed.
I’m broken. My body is failing me – I feel like it hates me.
If I had never had endometriosis and had to go through this pain and sickness I wouldn’t appreciate good days so much. I’d take for granted days when I’m able to do things I love to do like hang out with my husband, family, and the kids I love hanging out with.
I’d probably complain more if I stubbed my toe or got sick to my stomach. I wouldn’t have the same compassion and empathy I have towards others – especially to those whose pain isn’t always visible.
I never would have understood what endometriosis is or how it affects 1 in 10 women. I have been given a platform to share with others. To bring about awareness and speak for those who can not.
As a society we want to be healthy and strong and there is nothing wrong with that. But, maybe, just maybe we’re missing the point. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
By accepting and actually being okay with being broken I’m allowing myself to be made strong through Christ’s power. The strength I have going through all of this is not something I can do on my own. It’s only through Christ.
I’m broken, but in my brokeness God is using me and being glorified. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and I long for the day I feel better. I’m hoping my surgery in May will be the start of feeling better. If it is I will thank God. And if it’s not I will still thank God. I do not know or understand my journey, but I know He does and that He has a purpose for it.
And really, until I leave this earth and spend eternity with Him I’ll never be fully healed and restored. Until then I’ll continue being grateful.
Do you think you might have endometriosis? Here are some great places to start: